let’s hope i make it through this post. i had needed more time to deal with my demons, making sense of how my love for Akina and her music, when confronted with the irrational fucktards (please pardon my lingo. i’m not one who mince my words) has been the single source of my torment lately.
when i asked to be left alone, i meant it Kenji. why can’t you do that for me? i feel violated. pushed into a corner. i can’t breathe cos i can’t make sense of it all. how can this turn out to be sucha melodrama?
re: my decision to call it quits. a part of me immersed in regret right after those seething words, fueled by grave disappointment and raging anger, were penned. why did i find it so darn difficult to stand for my own beliefs? why do i have to justify my actions? why do i have to answer and bow to others’ selfishness/cowardice/whatever shite it is? why do i have to leave the baby i set up? what about the other fans who genuinely appreciate the work that has gone into this site? and then there are the friendships and acquaintances that have been forged and possible only through this site? what happened to my lofty aspirations of reassigning the pop queen pedestal to Akina again? who’s going to connect the very dispersed (and disconnected) fans from all over the world?
i was about to tender a firm resignation from this site after being further antagonised tonight over Kenji’s relentless revisiting of this matter which would have been better left alone. when i’m pushed into a corner, i don’t bite nor lash out, nor defend myself. i scald myself with hot boiling water. this is who i am. i’m the type who will bear and inflict hurt upon myself, so i spend the next 24 hours trying to find my way through hell so i can feel better.
just before wrapping up the email and clicking on the send button, Pearl’s email came through. this is playing out just like your typical tv series. i’ve received a few personal notes from you guys (thanks Patrick, CJ, Jamez; it’s nice to know that you put my wellbeing before the fate of this site; as for the rest, i’ll take your inaction as giving me space so i must thank you too) but Pearl’s came in with immaculate precision. reading her email calmed me down and i knew with the negative energy in remission, i had a window of opportunity and strength to hit on that VAMP bookmark glaring at me on my browser toolbar. i read through the comments, and am deeply, immensely touched.
wow. where have you guys been? does it take a kamikaze attempt to hear from someone? thanks for sharing your experience with VAMP. for the first time, i know we’re not running this blog for our own enjoyment per se. we are doing actual constructive work in uniting Akina fans, propagating Akina’s great music and voice to all corners of the world, and stimulating sales so she can rehash less of her wardrobe. nice. very nice.
penning this is cathartic at the very least and i hope this is a small step for me in eating my words. there are genuine discerning Akina fans out there worth writing for.
Kenji Tan, this doesn’t mean you’ll get away scot free. i’ll strangle you before you get to feast on my Ah Mah’s pork chop next week.
thanks everyone for making this coming out party a roaring success. see, my sense of humour is still intact.
if you’ll excuse me, i need to beg Live365 not to cancel the radio account.